Bisexuality

Question

Assalām o Alaykum,

I’m someone from Pakistan. I have known since long that I am a bisexual. I might be a gay but since I am married and can have sex with my wife, I am bound to say that I am a bi. I am 31 and a Muslim. I have listened to you a lot of time on aaj tv and other channels and am pretty impressed with your knowledge, style, research and vision. I’m sending this mail with a strong belief that you will lead me somewhere positively. I just need to ask if Islam addresses the issue of homosexuality.

It’s been such a pain for me all life long. I have never been happy with this trait of mine. I wanted to be interested in females so that I could love my wife at least and give her all the pleasures of life. That feeling of discontentment led me to masturbation, watching pornographic material and relations (mild ones) with a couple of males. I tried to stop myself many times but my subconscious always said, “Why stop”. I mean straight people stop from these sexual acts because they know that they will get married and will get all the sexual pleasures then so why see here and there and why resort to masturbation or so. But in my case, I knew that I shall not get a blissful life even after marriage so why stop from masturbation and other similar acts.

Now when I am married, I can have sex with my wife but its not a blissful sex. I feel discontentment every time. I discharge very quickly and sometimes lose interest during intercourse. Its not that I tease her or don’t fulfil her rights. She is happy in every respect but I feel that I would have been more in love, more attracted to her and my life would have been more blissful if I were a straight guy. Now I have got a cute little baby girl and every time I get engaged in any gay stuff, I feel like I am doing a crime. I always think of her at that time and feel bad about me being gay.

I remember I used to get attracted to males from the very childhood. Is it an inborn trait or comes afterwards? My mother got divorced in my early childhood. I have not even seen my father yet. Does this fact have something to do with it? It has not even like I was deprived of anything. I am highly educated and working in a renowned organization at a good post earning a handsome amount of salary al-humdu lillāh. I don’t know where I went wrong and this gay/bi stuff dropped in. I know I have gone pretty far with it but I would still love to get rid of it. Please tell me a solution.

And please don’t take it as the last mail as I might need to go into more detail after your reply. Please don’t neglect this mail on the basis that it contains a topic not being discussed publicly. I tell you it is increasing day by day. There are many Pakistani discussion forums on net where I used to be too and such people are at large openly discussing and indulging in this activity without knowing if it is fine for them or not. They just take it for granted and don’t think about getting rid of it.

I would be eagerly waiting for a reply from your side!

Regards,

Answer

Wa ‘Alaykum Assalām,

Thanks for sharing your feelings and thoughts so honestly. Although I cannot claim I understand but I can certainly say that I appreciate the difficult situation you are in and I admire you for your courage to have such an honest and analytical reflection on your life.

You have asked Mr. Ghamidi for advice on why you are in this state in terms of sexual desire and that what you should do about it. This is a question that I think neither Mr. Ghamidi nor any of his students and colleagues can provide you answer for. The people who should be able to help you are those who have expertise in those areas of psychology and physical health that relate to sexual desire and sexual disorder. I humbly suggest that you seek such advice.

However from the religious point of view I can say that based on explicit verses of the Qur’an and also previous scriptures, when it comes to sexual and marital relationship, males and females have been created for each other and not individuals of the same gender. What can be derived from this is that male seeking male for his sexual desires goes against the rules of creation and consequently goes against the Creator, the Almighty.

Now there can be mainly two cases where one would still go against this rule of creation:

1. The person has no significant psychological or physical disorder in terms of sexual desires, yet, for whatever reasons, he/she has decided to seek a same gender to satisfy his/her sexual desire. Based on what the Qur’an teaches us about the people of Lut, we can derive that such person deserves God’s punishment.

2. The person has a significant psychological or physical disorder in terms of sexual desires and this has caused him/her to prefer the same gender to satisfy his/her sexual desires. In this case what needs to be understood is that we are dealing with an illness. To blame the person for it completely would be as wrong as to consider the tendency natural. We cannot blame a person for something that is out of his/her control. On the other hand, the fact remains that this is an illness, and not blaming the ill should not mean that we deny the illness.

From what you have illustrated, it is obvious to me that your case is the second one. However, while appreciating that the situation was not in your control, you cannot ignore the illness either, and it should not give you an excuse to give in and let it take you where ever it wants to. You need to remind yourself continuously that what this illness is calling you to do is a grave sin.

I beg to differ with you on the comparison you made in concluding that it was easier for a so-called straight person to control his/her desires on the basis that he knew he will get married soon. I can assure you that there are many males and females who are not able to get married because of economic, social or other factors in the age when their sexual urges are very strong yet they control their desires because of their fear of God.

Fear of God cannot make you have more desire for opposite sex, but it can certainly make you stop answering your desire for the same sex. After all, if it was easy to fight our illegal desires it would have not been calledجهد (Jahd: Endeavour).

At the same time, you should get all the possible help from experts in this area in order to make the situation easier for yourself. I assure you that if you wholeheartedly do the following things, you will Insha’Allah satisfy your Lord and will find peace in your heart and hopefully also a solution to come out of this situation:

a. repent for what you have done in the past

b. avoid doing what you have done so far

c. pray to God for His help

d. seek help from experts

I do appreciate that it is not an easy project but let’s not forget that we are all tested in our lives and that these tests have never been easy. Let’s not forget that any difficulty in this world is temporary because our life is temporary and that we are supposed to make sure we will not suffer forever in our real life that will only begin after our death. You have a unique opportunity to demonstrate your loyalty to your Lord and your love for Him. With some efforts, your behaviour can raise you above many others who are failing the simpler challenges they are facing. I cannot emphasise more the fact that you do what is needed to be done in order to get benefit of expert advice about your situation and that you trust God that He will help you.